二十歲生日那天，我在三地門

這是一篇遊記， 是橫向空間的，也是縱向時間的。

二十歲生日那天，母親帶我去三地門參觀八八風災後替受災戶興建的永久屋。有鑑於此次受災戶的受災原因多是因為原居住地持續受到災害影響，如水災及地質脆弱。慈善團體進言假如政府負擔的永久屋價格和臨時組合屋的價格差距不大，那乾脆就蓋永久屋，也可以解決組合屋之後仍須拆遷的問題。
但為了因應不同族群和部落間積年累月的愛恨情仇， 遂將永久屋社區規劃成一塊塊相隔不遠的村落，中間就夾著學校，也許再過幾年，新世代就可以在學校裡面慢慢放下長年累積下來的歷史包袱。

永久屋有位熱心助人的會長，成為政府和災民的之間的溝通橋樑，且也毫不保留地貢獻身為代書的一技之長，捍衛族人的權利。山地門似乎常起風，會長站出家門時深吸了一口氣：「這裡很好，空氣很新鮮而且很通風。」他滿意地審視外頭家家戶戶在風中搖曳的燈火，木頭也被黃暈的燈光染色，溫暖的質地和前座堅實的石椅構成堅毅的幾何圖形，一切都是扎實而穩健，宣告他們漂離兩處，這次將在此地深深地扎根。

兩處飄移，沒有人是願意如無根浮萍的。即使狼和野鹿在同一座山頭遊走晃蕩，但睡覺的地方還是不同的 、而且要是安全的。會長家有兩幅圖畫，一是他自小長大的學校旁的一處池塘；二是從外地旅歸途中的一處歇腳的蔭涼，坐在樹下就可以看到山頭有一顆椰子樹，那就是歸船的燈塔，代表已經進入部落了。會長家裡處處都是部落的文物與生活痕跡，一排酒甕和兩束小米，一幅琉璃配一頭木雕猛禽，族人的羽冠與駁鏽彎刀，最後是一整面牆的古老相片。重點不止於黑白銀紙封存的點滴回憶，還有將照片貼滿整座牆的家庭凝聚力。

對我這個眷村野孩子來說，我可以想見故鄉的快樂回憶：永遠乾不了的尼龍制服、永遠踏不平的崎嶇山路；上學途中的荒煙漫草，放學回家時耳邊的規律的單人步伐；晴空萬里微風輕送的溫暖空氣，暴雨驟至鋪天蓋地的心靈恐懼。可惜的是、不同的是，當恐懼成真、當一生中最急的步伐和心跳同步、當一切的好景成為泡水的爛泥，我們的回憶才走上歧途。

白燈似乎太亮，將幽暗的回憶與想像驅離腦海，我又回到溫暖的木屋面對會長夫婦暖暖的人情。會長的兒女回到家與我們親切打招呼，拍照時還驚訝地說：「哇！爸你這是超高速連拍耶！」我想再高速的快門也無法捕捉時光的，他只是將時間切割成分不太清楚的切片然後替你集合起來。 真正的時光要靠記憶來捕捉，然後將他們或存在腦海裡、或存在木椅的觸感裡、或存在嘴裡無味雜糧的口感裡。然後當你在異鄉工作時，有天猛然聞到進口木雕的暗香，你才會猛然想起自己有多久沒有回去曾經熟系的部落探望摯愛了。也許你來得及、也許你來不及，或者也許你想、也許你不想，但這份時光不管你那麼多，他會強行入侵你的腦還，逼你挖出最深最痛的回憶，從你乾燥粗糙的淚腺中在擰出幾滴淚珠，這才放任虛脫的你躺在地板上汗流浹背地喘氣。

我想我們每個人都需要歷史，都不能忘本。我們得經常性地去做出改變來加強自己對一成不變生活的記憶，需要去填塞那些模糊的細節才能夠在連續的時間裡插入一些容易回憶起來的分段點。遷村的悲劇對每一個人來說都是巨大的改變，他是傷痛的，但回覆的歷程卻是充滿細節的。村民們每分每秒都在想辦法變得更好，因為距離停下腳步還太遠，也因此更容易。

感謝八八風災沒有帶走太多人，感謝好茶村民幸運地逃過生死劫。我會說八八風災摧毀的太多、產生的野太多，那些回憶因為不可考而更加鮮明真摯，只要自己還有能力，就該時常地複習回憶、甚至是尋根。

出門，握手。走下緩坡的路上我看到孩子在門口的石椅上就著門廊一盞昏黃的燈展書閱讀，遠處有人在燒烤、有人在嬉鬧。對這名孩子來說，他將複習這串回憶不下數百遍：偏頭調整燈光對準墨字的角度->遠處傳來嬉鬧聲->鼻子突然聞到石板烤肉的香味->重新進入書本的世界。就這樣一遍又一遍，爾後當他作客異鄉，充足的光源底下他也許不必隨時調整坐姿，但每當他偏頭的那一剎那，如潮般席捲而來的不只是書本的內容，還有千里外跨越時空的毛豬味、母語的腔調和村人豪爽的笑語。

我想直到我二十歲了，也許應該不一樣，應該寫些怎麼藉由科技縮短三地門小孩與台北市小孩教育上的城鄉差距？他們村落的老人失去農田後需要什麼樣的娛樂？他們的壯年離開部落後經常赴任哪個崗位的工作？怎麼藉由科技讓這些隔閡消失、讓這些縫隙與缺憾被弭平？但我錯了，我念茲在茲的還是中西的光景，還是我對回憶無法割捨的眷戀。那些芒果飄香的好時節，那些與摯友再巷弄間追逐打貓的狩獵歲月。人文的片段阿！在清華的圖書館，汗牛充棟、四壁藏書，我卻在閱讀腦海裡的那本書...

媒體與寫作。解惑

    現在的我人坐在清華大學台達館二樓的大教室。曾經有科管院的學生在這裡上課、曾經是這座綠能建築日光展秀的舞台、曾經有滿滿的學生在這裡聽講或偷懶；現在這層電機系所有的教室只有我一個人，沒有星光的晚上，一盞燈。

    為什麼要打這些，尤其是在難得有空寫作的時候。因為剛剛我翻開收件夾最底下的那幾封信，而他們翻開了我。信件上頭滿滿的都是數字：日期，時光用最直接的重量壓在上頭。

     昨日與朋友聚餐，我們談論著梅新聞這一個優秀的媒體怎麼走到今天這般人去樓空的地步。她說是因為沒有會寫文章的人，但我就是那個被他們文章打動的人阿，他們的『我是海賊王』是多麼有趣、多麼的激勵人心？她說不是這個問題，而是超越題材的文字。

     作為一位有經驗的讀者，和偶爾筆耕的『學生』，我知道題材不是重點、是風格與結構引導讀者誤入Fiction這個假想世界的歧途領頭羊。但我從來就沒有把這種文學的苛刻放在報導上，只要不要生硬，哪有得閒要求隨時做好被刪稿準備的小編們花力氣寫一段環環相扣的鋪陳？至此我才猛然驚醒，原來梅新聞這一個校園媒體是這麼難建立自己的專業並找到自己的讀者。他想給讀者一個故事的報導，讀者卻期待一個故事文學。（OS：沒有土地哪有文學。...一定要每一次想到文學都想到這句嗎？）

     

     可是梅新聞是我認為唯一能夠用文字形塑清華品牌的媒體，先不說他竟然要倒了，難道他以前的方向是錯的嗎？難道我們就不能夠用冷靜的筆說動人的故事嗎？林老師的話言猶在耳：『一份報紙最會搖的那一支筆桿都在寫社論，要看就要看社論。』我也還記得在我高中的時候，一疊疊放在豐園快餐抽屜裡面的壹評論讓我每晚笑中帶淚的憂國憂民。『媽的你還不承認你看報治國阿，南投之恥。』（我是說吳敦義啦）

     今天中午，我像老師懺悔...告白：老師，我的文風一直在改變，我希望我能夠與人溝通，心中有好多想法，好想要暢快淋漓的和人討論。老師你說的沒錯，我有一些想法在成形，但是只是正在成形，我沒辦法好好的組織我的話。那我應該要更加完熟我的想法呢？還是快速地（急就章地）訓練自己表達的能力？

（

當我連想法都還沒完熟，我能夠表達什麼？我猜我想的不夠深刻。

但慶幸我想得很複雜，而且方向也正確。因為：

像是以前每次討論我都會卡住的資源最佳化問題，原來有一個名詞叫做minimax. 

像是永遠追不上的物件消耗問題，原來有一種方法叫做回饋與二階微方

像是以前華容道的蠢孔明或是蠢曹操，原來有一個策略叫做賽局

）

     我認為這世界就是如此混沌，難以分割地環環相扣，所以我沒有去文組，那沒辦法帶給我瞭解真相的方法；目前的發現也還算滿意。老師你說何必在意文風這件事情；那不過是傲慢人類愛命名的慣性。能夠溝通，達到你的目標（無論是文學還是議論）與影響力就行了。可是假如說話的方式本身就是一個濾器，替你找到合適的人來分享並解答你的疑惑，又何必到處刪改、借物假譬講給那些只是聽聽而已的人懂呢？直到我遇見了愛，才懂。

    而且獨當一面的日子愈來愈迫切，也不能總是活在烏托邦當一個學生。總是要走出去，做點事情。而且經常你不會那麼幸運遇到市井流氓偷拐之輩，通常只是無腦的上班族，渾渾噩噩地附庸人生。

     

    扯太遠<=寫手可以出現這個嗎？

    為了避免確認偏誤，也就是Mark Twain說的每個人只看自己想看的，老師建議提早去問、接觸那些社論作家（給我找！）而當我準備好問題的時候就是我準備好的時候。而到時候，我可以在感性與理性之間找到平衡，寫出具有深沈仁慈的批判文章。

David Lynch：Where I found the Cinema

這篇文章寫於北京清華交換時，是『影視欣賞』這門課的導演研究。

回家後看到一張David Lynch的CD，封面上的帥哥很明顯不是右邊這位悲傷老兄。但也許這是我之所以在一張有Ridley Scott 、Francis Ford Coppola 、Terrence Malick、Quentin Tarantino、Stanley Kubrick、Woody Allen、Christopher Nolan、Wes Anderson、David Lynch 的選擇名單裡直覺選擇他的原因。

最近有個朋友因為興趣去修了電影的課程，在印象中我還當她是名看個「衝鋒陷陣」就會哭得悉哩嘩啦的小女孩，沒想到現在已經是一名為了電影修課的女神了，也太誇張。但覺得那時這種看電影的態度好美、好真。
我也想要把我對電影最認真的一段時間做個記錄：用我的方式、選最適合我方式的主題。每個當下都要認真過活唷，>.^。

David Lynch

Dream, Reality and Stage

Abstract

        I saw three David Lynch’s films in total. They are The Elephant Man(1980), Lost Highway(1997) and Mulholland Drive(2001). These three films reveal the path of his seek for the humanity. He tries to disclose the darkness behind daily life. Although we may have heard that “Life is a routine. That’s why we have to read, in pursuit of abnormal lives.“, in David Lynch’s film, life is not only a routine, butit also contains a sexual desire which will finally lead to violence and aggressive behavior to others. David Lynch was an independent director. He produced his film with a small team from the very beginning of his career. The team included his long cooperated music composer Angelo Badalamenti. Wining many awards with his special style and form can’t help him win the main production company’s favor. Finally I will conclude the similarities of these four works and point out the meanings of his films from dreamperspective. As the last part, it will speak of some concept of psychology by explaining the Freud view of dream.

Path of his films

        Elephant Man was based on a real English person called John Merrick. The black-and –white film started from a filthy circus where John Merrick was found by a kind doctor. He was took care of by the doctor secretly until the doctor well examined the English and show his work, “Elephant Man” to his academy colleagues. The Elephant Man became wilder known after population found him a gentleman who can read and write. Unfortunately, during the night at the ward, an evil door keeper would sell the chances ofwatching Elephant Man to people from lower social class. They mocked and mistreated him and left him with insults. During the day, Dr. Treves introduces John to people from higher class in spite of that those people just came for Elephant Man’s reputation. Except for the interaction with people from various classes, John’s life had nothing different from the life in circus until he met Mrs. Kendal. He finally understood the feeling of love when Mrs. Kendal’s lips became his salvation of sin on his

lips. Compared to her mental salvation, Dr. Treves’s confession when he abandoned all effort of finding John, “you can’t go after him. You’re needed here by your patients. You did everything in your power. Remember that, Treves. Everything in your power.”is a betrayal. And from the scene, Dr. Treves seemed to know where John is. He seemed watching John being tortured. He cleaned up the window in order to look inside, but we audience couldn’t see anything inside. What we see is Dr. Treves himself. Director told audience how hypocritical the doctor is by the confession. At the near end of the movie, the director uses the change of DOF to remind the audience that these two roles are no longer trusted each other like before.

        In The Elephant Man, David Lynch usedwhite film to redefine beauty and ugliness. The doctrine style also displays the story in a cleaner way, and thus contrasts how complicate the humanity can be. The only element appeared in Elephant Manwhich repeatedly exploited by Lynch in following films is smoke. We will talk to it later. It’s worth mentioning that Elephant Man and The Straight Story are the only two movies showing the light side of the humanity. According to Lynch, these two films are so different from other films he’s directed that he admitted their meanings are very important to himself.

        Lost Highway is the movie I could understand best after seeing Mulholland Drive. One can easily recognize David Lynch’s style which, in my opinion, is similar to Magic Realism in literature.The story is about a jazz musician who killed his wife. Although the time in the film is forward, I think the events appeared in film is backward orderedso that the film revealed nothing new or worth expected. It’s merely a review of one’s life.

The narratology is switched between two characters, the jazz musician and a young car repairer by the prison guard one day suddenly find the jazz musician who supposed to be in the cell was replaced by another lad. I believe so because we can take musician as lad and map the wife to the woman seducing the lad according to these two women’s picture. And both men have many similaritiessuch as their favor of darkness and their psychological condition. The lad is the innocent projection of musician, otherwise he is the early life of musician.The lad, Pitt, is the good kid. He used to have a excellent repairing skill and a stable relationship. Pit is an innocent man because he was deprived of the power to change the real world. So I made a chart to contrast the twoparallel worlds.

Real World (with living burden and dark side of humanity)	Imagine or perfect world
Fred (jazz musician) and Renae	Pitt & Alice
Fred killed Renae and Boss	Pitt killed a harmless porn director
Fred solved the problem by kill	Pitt escaped from the problem with Alice

        In spite that Pitt lives in a rather perfect world, which he even didn’t kill anyone, he is the strongly opposed to the world (As he trembly mumble: ”I killed him”, what a coward, that’s what appeared on Alice’s face ) .

        Thus we found the vulnerable  boy on his way to discover the cruel world possess nothing but dream. But the cruel world can only be dealt with the adult who applies the more cruel measure. And that cruel man is indeed a grown up boy. The boy took away his dream, the girl. But he is doomed to suffer from the sin or the consequence of his pursuit of the dream after he has grown up. It’s not like the happy ever after fairy tale.

David Lynch’s film usually provides a strange and ugly figure who intentionally appeared in many transition. I sum up that in Lost Highway and Mulholland Drive, the figure represents the dark side of the role.

What’s more, it connects the different scattered section of plot together but in irrational way. David Lynch put the weird old guy at these two parallel worlds to explain that they are both restricted in the same time frame, and possesses the serial relationship. One can never find the musician and lad appeared at the same time. At the end of the film, the scene of fast passing by highway road appeared again like the initial scene. It proved my assumption that the film was a metaphor. Nothing new inside the movie, one can’t expect the movie to change the world, even the world inside the movie. The world existed when the movie is playing, and distinguished when movie stop playing. The movie just records the life and repeats it every time when one plays the movie.

        And finally here is Mulholland Drive, the most credited film. Wining three best movie awards and two best director awards, the movie begins with the mysterious smoke. Ha! It’s my last chance and very time to grab the idea of smoke.

Smoke has played the great role in Lynch’s films since The Elephant Man, when John was given birth, there is a misen-scene comprising of elephant and woman’s shaking head. Following the misen-scene is the smoke, and audience can hear the baby crying from the smoke. When night falls in the film, when the evil door keeper forces John to see himself in the mirror and makes his spirit split, the smoke arise. In Lost Highway, Lynch used sounds and light more than smoke. The flashing light appeared when Fed had a severe headache imply the transition of personality. In Mulholland Drive, the smoke appeared as the film started and imply space’s transition. When I look up the 

movie on the Interent, many argue that Camilla who lost her memory and be taken care of by Betty was Betty’s projection of Camilla in the real life. Betty’s jealous of Camilla’s achievement so that she can no longer love Camilla. This argument is strong. To my opinion, the things happened in the near end of the film are more irrational to me, such as the magical blue box and the weird homelessness looks like a abnormal existence. According to Freud, one’s ego exists in unconscious mind, which can only be observed by the active of dreams. The logic in dream or the logic conducted by ego is totally different from conscious mind. But one’s behavior is conducted by id, ego and superego, we can’t tell whether the behavior is occurred under consciousness or unconsciousness by a single act. I believe Lynch try to make the dream plot more like consciousness behavior and otherwise in reality part in order to blur the line of reality and dream. I believe he try to inform audience the daily routine can based on the nonsense mind or at least driven by the desire of that unconscious ego which behaves in ”irrational” way.

My favorite part of Mulholland Drive is the scene when Betty and Camilla sitting in the theater watching the singing on the stage. The singing was so marvelous and touching (indeed) that they both shedding tears. Suddenly the singer fainted but the singing keeps going. The singing is fake ! But is it? I believe Lynch try to say that performance is the art of letting audience enjoy. Believe every move although it might lie to you, because it is meaningful. Music plays an important role in Lynch’s film. As the modern director, and perhaps without mainstream production support, he must know how to affect people by a more sophisticate and primary way. The song “Rammstein” hits me immediately as I heard the sound like a train passed by the railroad. It sounds like something is going to hit me, very suitable for the confliction scene. The singing scene in Mulholland Drive put the music beyond the measure of affecting audience’s feeling, but it is metaphor and plot itself.

Here is my conclusion. First, Lynch film break the logic of plot, he deliver the idea that the power of ego is the irrational factor of daily life directly through the disorder narrating form. Thus the monotone of life will one day become the tragedy. Second, the power of music is the Lynch’s style. He tends to use smoke, light and music as a metaphor to imply the transition of certain element. Lynch is the brave director, and he is never easily satisfied with his way telling story. It’s hard to classify his style or form. “Can’t understand” may be the most notable mark of his film. But one thing for sure, Lynch will never stop digging into the darkside under the hollow and monotone modern lifestyle. But with his sharp narrating perspective ,Elephant Man and The Straight Story , one can assure the concern and the seek for warm humanity is the base of his directing.